Out of Vulnerability

Note: this is something I wrote many weeks ago that I thought I would never publish. It was the end of a long day at the end of a long week and I wrote from a very raw place. I knew that wasn’t the mindset from which to choose to publish something for all the internets to read, so I put it aside. Now looking back on it and with encouragement from my husband I am choosing to post it in hopes that other parents can see themselves in my vulnerability and know they aren’t alone.

I do not always feel stable emotionally. I struggle to stay calm for my sensitive child and self. One week – pms/period, husband sick, irregular school schedule, E sick, sore throat, tv on all day, dishes piled up, easter parties bringing candy into our bodies and the house. Too much. I snapped putting the kids to bed. I let them stay up late to finish a movie then brought their toothbrushes to them in bed and, as I’m helping M with her teeth E drops his toothbrush on my head from his bunk bed above 🌋💣💥🤯 I SNAPPED! that was so rude! What did you do that for? Inappropriate! You can put yourself to bed! And I walked out and closed the door to the sounds of my beautiful, sensitive boy’s screams and cries don’t you come out of that room! I love you very much. I will check on you in 5 minutes. But he couldn’t stand it. I can’t stand it if I think someone I love is mad at me either. But I couldn’t engage at the moment, my heels deeply dug into the rut I created. My sick husband rose to save me from myself once again. Tomorrow I will apologize and my son will forgive me because he is gracious and understands what it’s like to explode, but it will take me much longer to forgive myself. The self that wants to be a loving mother in all circumstances. The self that wants to be perfect. The self that struggles with compassion for my own sensitive being. The self who has experienced far too many ‘bad weeks’ in 7 years to still not know how to manage them. The self that is judgemental. The self that worries about screwing my kids up. It’s a lot to hold in my little body and I can’t hold it all so I watch Beyonce’s Netflix special and write this instead of caring for my body and my mind. I wonder how long I will struggle like this? I wonder if I am as terrible a person as I feel, as that critical voice in my head tells me I am? Or is this a completely normal experience as a mom but is shamed because few people share it?

6 thoughts on “Out of Vulnerability

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  1. “Boiling point” I call it – When the blood in my body feels like it’s pushing up into my head and might just bubble out of my nose, ears, eyesssss!!! And I’m hot and mad as a volcano? YURP I’m with you JR – We’re kindred spirits. It’s hard when so much parenting is seemingly meaningless chaos – Like toothpaste in your hair (the last thing you need after a long day). I’ve snapped and flipped on a monthly/ weekly basis for years now … All that to affirm that the struggle is real and every part of this post resonates with my experience of parenting

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  2. Me and D were talking recently about when we would have our first explosion with baby M. Would it come when she’s a toddler or sooner? What are our triggers? Would we need a perfect storm before it happened? How would we apologize? I didn’t think we would be discussing this stuff so early but even now there are really tiring days when we have to put M to bed earlier because our brains can no longer function. I think lots of parents can read your post and think “I see you. I hear you. I’ve felt something similar.” Thanks J!

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  3. Thank you for sharing this, Jenny. It’s so hard to be honest and vulnerable but so helpful for parents to realize how hard it is for all of us. We all have moments that we reflect back on and think, “hmm, could have handled that better!”. Truth is, we are humans, raising little humans. We are not perfect, and I think it’s very good for our kids to see that we also feel big feelings and make mistakes and it’s OK! Sometimes showing our Littles how to come back from a meltdown helps them more than keeping those feelings in.
    I truly appreciate your stories, and hope you know how lucky those kids are to have you as their mama!

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  4. yep, that’s me too – I explode at least once a week because my 7 year old fights me on every basic thing (eating, teelthbrushing, nail clipping, BATHING – this one kills me because he is smelly playing sports every day!!!) and it is exhausing to do battle every minute we are at home. I don’t have a partner who steps in when I fall apart, in fact I think he makes things more difficult – especially bedtime – UGH! with dismissing me when I say its time to get ready for bed, or half hour past bedtime etc…

    The struggle is real – you are every momma…just better at expressing what we all go thru
    xo

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